Humor on the High Seas
by Captain Confused
Summary: Captain Jack and friends are back and funnier than usual, maybe. This is my second attempt at this. Chapter 2 up! R&R please.
1. Default Chapter

**A/N**: I'm back and better than ever. They took off my other story so I'm gonna try again mates. And again thanks to all who reviewed the other story, I appreciate it. Now let's get on with the story.  
  
This is just going to be random and humorous. Well at least I'm going to try and make it so. Laugh at your own risk, I'm not responsible for any of you either.  
  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own POTC or anything associated with it. Wish I did but….I don't so there.

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Chapter 1  
  
_The sun was just above the horizon as a ship was sailing into port. Its' sails filled with wind and a confident captain at the helm. The ship: the_ Black Pearl_, the captain:_ (isn't this obvious) _Jack Sparrow. Now the_ Pearl _had just returned from a rather plentiful raid... Actually the ship was just sitting in the ocean and really had nowhere it had to be. A rather interesting conversation taking place..._ __  
  
"How can this ship move with holes in the bloody sails, captain?" Jack eyed the sailor and replied, "Honestly, I have no bloody clue." Then mumbling to him self, "Why did Gibbs pick this crew again?"  
  
"Because Jack, they're as crazy as you are."  
  
"Gibbs."  
  
"Aye, cap'n?" He stood there motionless next to him, then Jack looked over at Gibbs and said, "Go do somethin' useful."  
  
"Aye, Jack"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Aye, cap'n. Sir"  
  
Gibbs proceeded to the hull to grab a lounge chair, a beach umbrella and a couple of really nice martini glasses they got as loot from the raid. Gibbs brought it all up to the main deck.  
  
"What the bloody hell is all this?"  
  
"Ye told me to go do somethin' useful, cap'n. So I did."  
  
"Good. Set it up."  
  
It took Gibbs only a couple of minutes to set the chair and umbrella up.  
  
"Ye didn't answer my previous question Gibbs."  
  
"What question was that?"  
  
Jack sat down in the lounge chair and looked up at Gibbs, "I believe I said and I quote, 'what the bloody hell is all this?'"  
  
"Oh. The chair, umbrella and martini glasses you requested stay in your share of the loot, cap'n."  
  
"Ah." Jack snatched the martini glasses and said, "Gibbs, get the newest crew member and I a couple bottles of rum. We're going to be civilized today."  
  
"When did we get a new crew member aboard cap'n?" the first mate mumbled while going down to retrieve another lounge chair. "Wonder who he is?" 

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**A/N**: Sorry it's so short and a slight cliffie BUT I will try to do better next chappie. R&R and be as polite as possible. I don't like being flamed.


	2. The French and Drunken Crewmembers

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own POTC. There are also some quotes in here I don't own. I'll Points to those who recognize the quotes and where they are from.

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Thank you **love2rite** for your input, I hope you like this chapter. It's a tribute to you.

Chapter 2: The French and drunken crewmembers.

A voice was heard from Jack's cabin, as the door swung open. The woman went over and backhanded Jack.

"How dare ye keep me locked in your pigsty of a cabin, _Captain_"

"Kathleen."

"And just for your information, I could have picked that lock at any time."

"Good for you and my cabin is not a pigsty. I'm a neat freak when it comes to the cabin"

"Whatever you say, Jack"

He just stared at her.

Now Kathleen was a very intelligent person. Jack knew she was just doing this little outburst as to show her mockery of him.

Gibbs came back with the spare chair. Kathleen snatched it and sat next to Jack.

Jack handed her a martini glass full of rum.

"Would ye like diet coke with that, luv?"

"I'm way ahead of you on that."

Gibbs just stared and inquired, "Cap'n, who be this?"

"This, Gibbs, is Kathleen our new crew member."

"Jack, ye know it's..."

"Shut up Gibbs."

"Aye, cap'n."

Kathleen shook her head, "Okay, who wants to play a game?"

The whole crew replied in unison, "Aye, we don't really have to be anywhere."

The crew was playing the "I never..." game for over an hour when it came time for the sailor named Bob's turn was up.

"I ne'er had sex on a ship."

The whole crew excluding Kathleen and Bob took a drink. Then with out thinking and a part of her drunken mind Ana said, "Hey Jack."

"Aye?"

"I dare ye to wear one of Kathleen's dresses."

Jack stood and as smoothly as a drunken man could he walked into his cabin and grabbed a red renaissance like dress and put it on. Under that he wore a bra stuffed with handkerchiefs. He buttoned the dress then grabbed a tube of lipstick and applied it to his lips. The bronze-ish color set off his tan. He also put on a pair of red stiletto heels and exited the cabin after adjusting himself.

The crew just stared. Then Kathleen spoke up. "Dress like that often, _Madame_ Sparrow?"

Jack looked at her and in a way too cheery voice said, "I like to wear women's clothing."

Kathleen burst out laughing. "Yes apparently you do."

"Tell me luv, does this make me look sexy?" mimicking the movements of a tavern whore.

"Yes Jack it does. Do you have any control of how creepy you allow yourself to get?"

"Why do you want to know that?"

"Oh, I haven't a clue Jack."

"Bloody woman." He mumbled.

"I heard that."

Kathleen got up and started walking to the cabin. She took one last look at Jack and said to her self, "Why can't I have a normal boyfriend?"

She never made it to the cabin. A woman named Christine who seemed to appear out of nowhere stopped her and replied "because they don't exist."

"You're right. Hey, where'd you come from?"

"I don't know. One minute I'm sitting at my computer writing this and the next I'm in it."

Jack waltzed over to Christine, who grabbed her handy Polaroid camera and took a picture of the sight in front of her.

Christine jumped back at the sight in front of her. "Who the...? Jack?"

"Yes darlin', how are ye luv?"

"Fine, what the hell is all this?"

"Women's clothing luv."

"I'm not even going to ask."

"Oh sorry, Kathleen, my name is Christine. I'm a friend of Jack's."

"He's mine ye hear. No matter what ridiculous things he does."

"You can have him. What he does sometimes scares me."

Ana then spoke up. "I ne'er kissed a Frenchman." No one drank their rum. "What?"

"The game is over, Ana, and those French, they hate us. They smoke, they have a whole relationship with dairy products I don't understand."

Kathleen broke in, "I agree."

Ana looked up at the woman, "Have I met you before?"

"Ana, I'm surprised. I'm Christine, from 'How to become a Bloodthirsty Pirate Academy.' We were roommates."

"Oh yeah, you invited Jack over many times. We both had our fun with him."

"Those were the days, man."

Kathleen interrupted again, "I have had my share of fun with him, too. Like now for example."

Jack was still standing next to Christine in his entourage.

You look exceptionally sexy tonight, Jack." Christine commented jokingly.

"Thank ye, luv."

"Care to join be for the night?"

"Bite me Jack."

"I'd be glad to."

"I was kidding." Then mumbled, "dumbass."

"Aw, that's not very nice."

"_I_ am not nice. Go away."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Jack?"

"What, luv?"

"SHUT UP!"

He just backed away slowly, surprised a woman would actually tell him that. He tripped on his own feet.

"Damn heels. Although I could get used to this."

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**A/N: **Was this better or what? Thanks to those who reviewed via email. R&R please. I'll post another chapter soon.


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